Photo Credit: Vlad Eftenie
October 2015, life surprised me to the fullest. The weather was already quite cold and it felt chilly on the mat, so I decided to inaugurate the gas stove, given that the landlord had recently told me it had passed its yearly inspection. I tried lighting the fire, but an explosion threw me a few meters back. I felt the fire burning, so I tried to put it out quickly with my palms. I only made it worse – it was spreading. The Nike clothes I was wearing were melting in contact with the hot flames. The survival instinct is strong in situations like these and I managed to stop the fire that was burning both my skin and my clothing. When I looked in the mirror, I was white as paper, but I thought to myself I didn’t look so bad. Looking more closely, I noticed I didn’t have any eyebrows – or eyelashes left. Soon, it became very hard to think. I reacted automatically and checked the stove so that the gas wouldn’t be open anymore and I started wondering if I would get better until Friday, when I had to be in Sinaia for a workshop with Telekom. The gas was closed and I decided it would probably be best to go to the hospital. I sent a quick WhatsApp message to the girls I was expecting that evening with the short text “class canceled”. My skin started burning and I became physically sick. I wanted to call the ambulance, but it was impossible for me to remember the number. I was going into shock. I searched through my last calls and dialed a friend. I started screaming through the telephone: “Call the ambulance quickly, please!” I put on a vest, went outside and sat on the ground, leaning on a fence. I felt the Universe was for the thousandth time bringing me to my knees and I was screaming within: “Not again!!” Shortly, I heard the siren. In the ambulance, I couldn’t stop shaking. I closed my eyes for a moment and then, when I wanted to open them, I couldn’t. Life was shutting down for me. I asked the person that was with me if my situation was serious. His hesitation was my answer. I asked him to tell me the truth. He told me I had second or maybe even third degree burns on my face, neck and palms. I remained silent. In my soul, I was on my knees, just listening to the sound of the siren. Always, in the past, when I heard that siren, I would kneel down in my soul irrespective of the place I was or the thing I was doing, and I would send healing energies from there to everyone involved: the patient, the doctors, the nurses, the family. I wondered who would kneel within his or her soul for me now and send me energy… It was one of the few times in my life I felt alone in the world.
As time went by, the burning of my skin became almost impossible to bear. I had arrived at the hospital and was more afraid than ever. I had previously thought that the worse had already passed, but I slowly realized that it was just the beginning. I panicked and started screaming due to the pain. I couldn’t see, so I didn’t know if anybody was with me or was actually taking care of me. A nurse/doctor came and started talking to me. She explained I would be sent to radiology and ultrasound so they can establish if I have any broken ribs or internal damage from the fall. I felt someone was pulling the bed I was on. I begged for something for the pain, which became more and more unbearable. I was told that I had already received something and I have to wait for it to work. Tears were flowing down my cheeks, which only made the burning worse. At some point, I remember I screamed for someone to put me under completely. It seemed such a luxury at that point to exit reality for a brief period of time. Obviously, you won’t be put under just because you ask to, and I felt the medical staff around me losing their patience with me. I still couldn’t open my eyes, so I felt everything more than ever, being completely focused towards the inside. It hit me again – I only had myself. And if that thought had been overwhelming in the ambulance, now it felt awakening. I realized I could breathe. I knew they wouldn’t increase my morphine dosage, so I could either lose my mind because of the pain, despair and become the hospital’s number one horror patient, or use some of my skills, techniques and meditation and work on myself. I started breathing consciously and I felt that I was quickly distancing myself from the infernal sensations I was experiencing. Suddenly, I realized the practices I had explored in the past were helping me in the present and that I had all the instruments I needed to exit this life experience purified, from the inside to the outside world. I actually remember being surprised how cool yoga is and how cool I am on my hospital bed, even if burned and blind. Shine bright like a diamond…
After being walked around through a few elevators, I finally got to my room. One of the other patients in the room asked me what had happened to me. I couldn’t talk about it yet. I also wondered what had happened to me. I knew the hands were an extension of the heart chakra and that they formed the superior chakra block together with the neck and the face. I remembered the half kundalini I had experienced in the plane and I then knew some new space was being created within me. Caroline Myss came to my mind – it was a time when I was devouring all of her activity. I remembered I had one of her audiobooks on my phone and I rejoiced that such an energy source was available to me. In my mind, I was already planning how to get to my phone the next day.
It was past midnight and I started dying of thirst. Exactly what I needed, right? Completely exhausted, I tried to gather my strength and shouted: “Nuuuurse…” A few moments later, an angel-nurse showed up and told me she would help me drink water with a straw. After some time, I was again horribly thirsty and had to make a huge effort to call again: “Nuuuuurse…” Every time I called for her, she showed up only a few moments later and let me know that she would let me sip some water. During those moments, I started to feel that the Universe was on my side… (mhmm…). Some days later, I found out that the nurse had bought three two-litre water bottles from her own money just for me and that my voice, which I had thought was something I had barely managed to get out of me with my last strength, had actually been keeping my room colleague awake the whole night. After some time, the nurse let me know someone had come to visit me. I asked surprised: “Someone is visiting me?” It was two of the girls from my yoga classes. I was so amazed that I could only think it was again the Universe that had arranged everything… (mhmmm…). Later on, a third girl showed up. I don’t remember that much from that day, but my room colleague told me I had such chills that she had put her own socks on me so I would get more comfortable… (mhmmm…).
I refused to fall asleep the first night because I knew that waking up the next day would bring me to shock because of the memories. So I dozed on and off and the thirst, chills and burns didn’t let me sleep anyway. The next morning – surprise! I wanted to open my eyes: but nothing. A thought crossed my mind: will I be able to see again? In my inner darkness, I started negotiating with the Universe. I knew I wasn’t in the position of setting “working conditions”, so the only thing left was to answer to myself the questions that arose. Will I want to live further if I won’t be able to see anymore? Or if I won’t have the face I knew? An astounding “yes” came through. I couldn’t give up now – this accident was a blessing dressed up in dramatic clothing.
At the first doctor’s visit, I asked when I will be able to return home. God, it’s so hard the hear silence from the medical staff… or when doctors say “let’s see how it goes”… The doctor asked me about my family and who was going to take care of me. Well, let’s see: I have a sister that has been living in New York for more than a decade and a mother that had just asked me to buy her a blood pressure cuff, because she had some heart-related medical issues. So it was out of the question to call her, because she wouldn’t have been able to deal with the situation and I would have had to have the energy to console her as well. So I decided not to call her, in the state I was in. It was almost at the same time that a nurse showed up with a bouquet of flowers just like in the movies that had a small note. And, immediately, one of the girls from yoga that had visited me the night before showed up. She explained that all of the girls were surprised by my cancelation message, because they knew well that I don’t do stuff like that with only half an hour before the class. Some of them were already on their way and decided to check out our meeting point – where they found firemen, police, scared neighbors etc. No one knew the hospital I was sent to, so the girls started calling everywhere. In the end, they found me at Floreasca Hospital. From that point on, they started organizing who to visit me in the morning, at lunch and in the evening, a list of things I needed, they made calls to ensure I get the best doctors and so on… So there was my answer regarding who will kneel within their souls for me… Mhmmm.
I have always been proud of the people that come to my classes. I always wanted for them to have the space to choose me openly, because I also wanted to have the freedom to choose them in return. We are all like ingredients: some go well together and others cancel out each other’s flavor. This is why I choose the people I work with carefully. Considering how many people were visiting me in the hospital from day one, the nurses started to ask themselves if I’m not some kind of local celebrity. They couldn’t help staring at my yoga girls when they arrived directly from work, looking like they came off Fifth Avenue. My “nuuuuurse” pointed out another fact: it was not only how they looked that was impressive, but also the fact that it was obvious that they came wholeheartedly. Therefore, I couldn’t have my family with me, but in less than 24 hours I became the most visited patient and the hospital’s Miss Congeniality.
Three days later, I managed to open my eyes. My sight was a bit blurry, but it seemed the accident would not leave any traces in this area, thanks to the antibiotics and the treatment I received. The rest was still unknown. One morning, he came to the window. He was staring at me. I got my divine message and knew everything was going to be fine – whatever that “fine” would be. Mhmmm…
I started to get my strength back and crawled on my own to the bathroom on the hospital’s hallways, still tied to my IV. I was making progress, but I didn’t have the guts to look at myself in the mirror. I was relying only on the reactions of the other patients, which were astounded how rapidly my skin was healing. The medical team also validated their reactions. The doctors already knew I was a yoga teacher and after the cliché question of whether I drank my own pee or not, they started getting curious about the way yoga works. On the fifth day, I unintentionally saw my face in the mirror. I panicked. If that’s what “good” looked like, how did I look before? The good thing about the hospital is that I had good company. Whenever my energy levels were low, my room colleagues would make me laugh so hard that the nurses would show up to check what was going on. I don’t even think we knew why we were laughing – about ourselves, life, maybe about how we looked like. After eight days, I was discharged from the hospital. The doctors assured me that I was a special case and that they initially thought I would have to stay in the hospital for about three weeks, but that my recovery had been impressive. On my way out, I blessed the hospital and the experience I had gone through and I couldn’t wait to get home. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to use my hands and I wasn’t exactly sure how I would handle things. But the Universe was once again one step ahead of me – my girls had shopped for groceries, water, plus everything I needed from the pharmacy (drugs, lotions, bandages etc.). More so, one of the clients I worked with in private had a catering business, so she made sure I got everything I wanted to eat, whenever I wanted it. In the evening, my apartment became a sort of open party place. When they finished work, the girls would stop by my home and see if I needed anything else. I didn’t even bother to close the front door anymore. In these circumstances, how could one not trust chaos? Mhmmm…
Two days later, 64 persons tragically burned alive in the Colectiv club. I was again forced on my knees even though I really thought this time it couldn’t happen again. I relived each soul’s suffering and the nights became a nightmare almost impossible to accept by my mind, which – once again – was starting to doubt itself. The thought I was losing my mind so young was plaguing me. For the first time ever, I was scared to sleep by myself. I felt every victim’s presence in my bedroom and I was so scared, I felt like crawling in a fetal position. I realized that if I let myself wallow in fear, I would be eaten alive by all possible low vibration feelings like anger, anxiety, worry etc. At that point, I wasn’t yet aware how to work with myself in such situations but, intuitively, I realized I have to connect to the light. The next night, I dreamt I was in the same hospital with the victims of the Colectiv fire. A guy told me they were going home and asked if I am staying. I answered “yes, I’m staying, but I’ll see you afterwards”. A few months later, I found someone in the States on the internet that I resonated with so much, that I decided to have a private Skype reading session. That person told me I had served as a guiding light for the fire victims and that I had facilitated their passing over to the other side. Generally, in such traumatic situations, the soul exits the body in such a confused state, that it is immediately drawn to the most powerful light that it resonates with. My personal suffering attracted them towards my energy. They went, I stayed.
A few days after my reading, I lied in bed not awake, but not asleep either. And then it happened again: the same strong sensations that started from the pelvis and then continued rising along the spine up to the skull. Fucking shit kundalini again. Full version. Who am I? What am I? Why am I still here? …. (to be continued)…
Photo Credit: Razvan Ionescu